Elusive as in I cannot determine where I'm going or when I'll get there because my life has taught me, if anything, that I cannot depict tomorrow and the events it may bring. While I am that witness that God has brought me through as well as out, yet, I feel I am not where I wish or supposed at this age and time in life. And no, I am not reading some magazine article showcasing those who aspired to greatness by age 25. So then...where am I?
Personally, I feel that I am in one of those "Physician heal thyself" vortex that seemingly holds me prisoner yet again another year. It can all be quite depressing if entertained but yet, I cannot. It's like watching all the people around you elevate to higher plains but you're stuck in a spinning hole where the gravity of all is crushing. A place where you can't feel anymore for yourself - celebrations are for those who are excelling, achieving and/or accelerating. As I sit.
As I sit, I seemingly work but does anything really get done? I move papers, calls are answered, mail opened, read and replied to as needed, food cooked, encouraged others, created, designed, and dressed - did anything improve, change or remain?
As I sit I pray, I meditate, I beg, I cry, I worship, I praise, and I sit. I wait to listen, even strain to hear what is being said with all eagerness to complete or willingly perform what is asked so that I may be snatched from this ever entrapping vortex....but so far, I am not.
And still....I sit.
