I swear it seems as though I have lost more loved ones this year than any other time in my life! I am writing this entry in Times Roman font because my very close girlfriend who recently passed away told me she absolutely hated this font.
No I'm not using this font in dishonour of her but exactly the opposite...I am honoring her through the 'Pen.' The electronic pen.
Girlfriend left here barely turning 40 years old, having had no children, no husband, and the one confessed love of her life was a married man in an adulteress relationship. After twelve years of that deception, she settled in to being alone because (1) She was in her mind, unattractive, (2) over 40 and the selection of men both black and white was very narrow, and most of all, (3) she weighed well over 400 pounds.
But here is where the real deception begins. She felt unattractive because she looked nothing like societies standard of beauty....thin, white (or trying to be), long, full-bodied hair, with beautiful eyes, preferably blue ot green.
Yet she was the most creative person I ever knew. She was one who really could take nothing and make something.
She started a beautiful bridal and craft business for the woman on a budget. She vamped everything as a replica of high fashion/high society into something of very similar quality but with the utmost frugality.
She was an avid learner of technology, components and applications. She taught herself the pc, multimedia components, expansion and optimization and truly possessed a CIA-type characteristic when searching the internet for anyone or anything....public or private. As she so often stated, "If it's out there, then I'm the niggah to find it."
But even more amazing, she was a pronounced singer. Her style of singing was void of a myriad of runs and guttural sounds as she hated that. She could stand flat footed and sang. She as I, loved all genres of music. It didn't matter as long as you had melody, tempo, originality, and vocal strength. She loved music.
And yet she left here without ever accomplishing her feat. I guess you could say this is my eulogy to her. That I'll always remember her for what she didn't do.
You wouldn't travel, you wouldn't record a cd, you wouldn't visit your sister in the midwest, you wouldn't pack up and leave here to pursue your dreams, you wouldn't gain the confidence needed to promote you, you wouldn't speak up for you, you wouldn't attend anything outside of your comfort zone. You let others dictate your life with their disencouraging words.
Because of this I even look further at my remaining friends and family members and see some of the very obstacles she faced in them. And I wonder to myself, why can't you just get passed that? Why is that so important?
Then I look at myself and wonder why I haven't pursued one major task in my life. Why has it taken me so long to accomplish this one feat? What's stopping me? What else has to happen? Who else has to die or leave before I accomplish this? Is my life void of financial success because I haven't pursued this? Quite possibly, it is.
Since 2000 I have been prompted to write a book inspired with the passing of my father. Now a second book inspired with the passing of my mother sits upon the shelf of my mind waiting to be produced, written and published. Wow! Two New York Times Bestsellers and they're not off the shelf yet. Why?
Do I lack the same confidence and inspiration as my girlfriend(s) and relatives living the same life?
At best I can say sometimes yes, then sometimes, no. I think it's a matter of prioritizing. Up until Girlfriends demise, it just wasn't a priority. It was always I'll get to it. I'll do it after I purchase a laptop. Got that and still haven't started. I need to pursue this other stuff first and then after making a name for myself, then...Yeah right.
Well that all changed the day I stood looking down at her, stiff, ashen, cold, dead. Not coming back; deceased.
See you at the book signing.
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