When Is Closure Really Closure

When is closure really closure? This comes at a time when it seems as if I have come full circle since my mother's death.

I remember being so angry at this one individual because I felt he didn 't respond to her death or to me as he should have. For many months after the fact, I cut off all contact from him. No phone calls....Nothing!

A few weeks ago, after giving a lecture at a local organization, I found myself feeling very insecure and uncertain. I felt numb and paralyzed with fear. Fear of being invisible. Never being supported anymore, never being encouraged...Simply put, not having anyone in your corner waving the victory flag for you when trying to make it to the finish line. It's a funny thing about death, especially the death of parents.

Good parents encourage their children and be very supportive. Great parents are those that become bridges for their children to cross over on. They kindly, graciously and patiently give to theirs the rites of passage from childhood to adulthood. Death snatches that bridge away. you grope for stability, a landing, a strong foothold to concreteness. What you find is truth. Your foundation becomes truth. Truth as to who you really are. What you are made of? And to what or to whom have you now become?

I placed a call, yes, I finally put my pride and fear aside and made that call. He didn't answer. Whew! I was so glad. I didn't have to face his sarcastic loathing. I didn't leave a message. Then the unspeakable happened...He returned the call.

I took a deep breath. I answered right before the voicemail picked up. Nervous jitters, stomach hurting. Awkwardnes, repeateded hello's and how-are-you-doings. Okay, the real reason I called.........

Wow, although difficult, I got through it. Yes, I cried when I heard his politeness and encouraging words. His reasurring tone and the hand holding that gave me of what I needed most. And of course I couldn't utter a single word. And for that time, i really didn't. I needed to hear him. Tears continued. This is what I had missed, not just from him because this he seldom gave. I needed to know I mattered to someone. And but for a short minute, I mattered.

It mattered that I was on the other end of the phone. It mattered that I wanted to talk to him. It mattered that I was telling him I no longer held the anger and disappointment toward him that I did no matter if it was warranted or not, because the thing that mattered most, was that I had come full circle and was seeking the closure I needed to move on.

Freedom! Freedom had finally come from within. No longer wanting to hate, no longer wanting to be angry, no longer second guessing my actions because I was afraid someone would pull the rug from underneath me; Someone sitting idly by waiting to slap me down when I reached up.

Uh-oh, here comes the but. Eventhough that conversation went extremely well, my original feelings for ending the relationship where just as valid as before. He didn't see it that way. He thought it was an open invitation to come back and start the relationship up again. NO. That wasn't it at all. I thought this was explained at the very beginning of the call. So his repeated phone calls that ended on a casual note and not a romantic one left him feeling slighted and ignored. Wanting and waiting for something more. But there was no more. There was nothing more to give.

The closure I was seeking clearly was not what he had been hoping for all these weeks and months. He saw it as a new beginning. I saw it as complete closure to a relationship that was obsolete from the beginning.
Unfortunately for him....He thinks I'm over here sulking and being mad at him, when in reality I've simply moved on.